One Extra Fine Day

Did someone say written stories are encouraged? What about silly girls and stubborn hearts?

Yesterday I saw J. I can’t even remember what year I saw him last. I think I withdrew from him and our friendship long before I left for Manila last year. It must have been based on my instincts on self-preservation. But the heart is stubborn, it learns nothing from past hurts and injuries. So after numerous text messages, emails, Facebook pokes and silly phone calls, I promised to meet up with him yesterday. I sent him a message that I was in the area. That prompted him to call me, a little bit panicky that I was done earlier than he expected. I did say 3:00 pm and I called just a little after that. He said he came from the gym and would need to shower. I told him not to worry and I would pass the time at the secondhand bookstore nearby. I said that’s still there right? He confirmed. So I walked slowly and leisurely to BMV, a regular haunt for both of us. He didn’t really think I would wait at his place, which was in between where I was coming from and the bookstore, did he? I didn’t want to give him that pleasure of having me so close and waiting for him so soon. I needed to feel myself around him before I fall into the same trap as before.

I must have been nervous and distracted because the first book I found at the store was something I had been looking for for ages but placed it back on the shelf after thumbing through it. Besides, I promised myself that I wouldn’t be buying any new books until I have finished Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles. After reading pages on half a dozen books, he still hadn’t arrived. The longer it was taking him to get there, the more nervous I was getting. He was taking his time to get dressed. For me? What for? He had already turned me down before. Hadn't he made it clear that he only wanted us to be friends? The moment he entered BMV, immediately I knew that the one hour wait was worth it. Six weeks and one hour to be exact. Both of us saying silly unnecessary small talk. He said he wanted to sneak up behind me and send me a text that he showed me was already keyed in on his phone. (Didn’t he know I wasn’t going to miss the chance of seeing him walk in? Would he look upset for being late? Cool as a cat? Or just wearing his everyday don’t seem to care bored look?) I had said something about being good that after all the waiting, I hadn’t bought any books as yet.

We walked out of there. He said he would buy me coffee. We kept walking past several chains and local coffee places and finally ended up in a place called Aroma. He said the coffee there was good. We both ordered an Americano. Same? We sat outside. Did I say it was a beautiful sunny day? Or was it just me? I talked most of the time, trying to keep him up to speed with all the happenings of my boring life. Thinking now, I think I hardly scratched the surface. I wanted to tell him everything and I didn’t know where to start that my stories were all incoherent and fragmented. For the writer that I am, I lost it all yesterday. I didn’t want any silent pauses because it gave my heart the chance to fill in the gaps with silly notions that we were out on a date.

After coffee, we left and started walking. He was hungry but wouldn’t admit it. So I agreed to wanting sushi. Him too. Same? We sat, and I talked again. I noticed what he was wearing for the first time, liking what I was seeing. He asked, no he declared, that I have a boyfriend. He said he saw B on Facebook. I thought I was careful not to show my heart on Facebook. I thought about this before I answered, squinting, which gave me away. I posted one photo, just one. He doesn’t miss a beat. So I answered, Not Anymore. It was no use denying it. I forgot that this man, even if we were of different colors, knows me inside out. He said, what happened? I said, it was geographic specific. I don’t even know if that was even a term. I said that B, the ex-almost-boyfriend, isn’t going anywhere because he wouldn’t know how to leave the Philippines even if he really wants to. I'm mean, I know. But I didn’t want to go any further. “Oh, let me SAVE you! NOT!” I said. Briefly reenacting my best broken-hearted look.

“That’s true love right there,” he said. There was a brief pause. And the subject was closed.

I didn’t ask him if he was seeing anyone. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to know if he is. I thought to myself that I might not make it through the day.

He wanted to do all sorts of things. He wanted us to go for a Beer Fest. Just the two of us. He remembered that I missed the different kinds of beers and the pubs that we went to. We’re not really big on beer, but it was always a good truth serum for me. I say things I always regret whenever I’m having beer with J. But yesterday the coffee was working double time in making me talk a mile a minute. Maybe, just maybe, I had missed him after all. However, I wasn’t about to admit it. We talked about Mitch and his failed marriage to his Filipina bride. While we were discussing the doomed relationship, I hinted on jealousy vibes when I mentioned that Mitch should have chosen a Filipina with similar upbringing to him. He said, “like you?” Uh, where did that come from?

We didn’t need the aid of alcohol yesterday. Words were coming from out of nowhere and finding their way between us. After sushi, we walked around the city, taking scenic routes through the University of Toronto campus grounds. We talked about two friends in a mixed relationship, if I can call it that. The guy’s Flip and the girl’s white. We all worked at Starbucks together at some point. We were talking about apartments, the girl was moving and the guy was taking over the girl’s old apartment. I rocked the boat. I asked J why those two wouldn’t just consider moving in together? I know right?! Where did that come from? The subject promptly dropped. I told him about how I got 9L and how I kept on hearing his voice when I was in Manila. He interrupted my story. “You were hearing my voice?” I guess that got his attention. A mini argument followed. I reminded him that once he said that adult Filipinos living with parents till middle age are lame. Lame.

He said, “I said that?!”
“Yes you did.”
“It’s probably because that’s what I meant... Were you mad at me?”
“No... Well... it’s true,” I said.
“It is lame!” Then he defended his point, to which I should have just told him that he was preaching to the choir. But I let him talk. Then silence once again.

We ended up at Queen's Park, a huge circular park and rotunda. It made me feel like the city was whirling around me and I had J all to myself. Stubborn hearts don't know when to give up. He asked me about all sorts of places.

Have I ever been to Stratford? Yes. (That’s a place at least two hours away from the City where Shakespeare plays are performed all year round. Field trip?) "I want to go..." he said. Don't. Don't pick up the trail, I kept telling myself.

Have I been to Canada’s Wonderland? Not recently. (That’s a theme park an hour outside of the city.)

Do I like museums? I said yes. I said, if we were in New York, he would love The Met and the Museum of Modern Art.

After some time, it dawned on him that I might be going to school right by his apartment. George Brown College and his apartment shared the same subway stop. He was already making plans for spending more time together. But I didn't take the bait. For one thing, I still wasn't sure how I was going to make this happen. I still need to work on my finances. I'm sending myself through school for the first time. It wasn't something I was ready to talk about.

Do I hang out in Sherway Gardens? Yes. That’s a mall in the border of my city and his city. This is the first time he’s ever mentioned about my turf. We’ve always had an unspoken agreement that we hang out in his turf. Could it be that he’s starting to think? He said, “it’s really hard for you to come out here, isn’t it?” Ah, there is hope for the boy after all. Were we talking about possibilities?

He asked me if we could watch Eclipse at least 6 times. But I had to head home before dinner. Daughter duties were calling me home. For all that I am, I’m still both Filipino and Canadian. I told him about the unfortunate incident with my estranged sister-in-law. If there’s something I learned from that, it’s to be myself and not make excuses for the culture I grew up in. I may be a buffet of at least four cultures but so is he. If we are to stay friends, there’s no use pretending that our pasts and our families do not exist outside of our friendship.

I said no for the nth time to his movie offer. Yesterday was the first time he treated me like a girl. I got two hugs, at the beginning and at the end. Bonus points for J v2.0. I always pulled away first. I told him that we didn’t have to do everything in one day. Lastly, I promised him that I would see him again next week. Who is this person and what did he do to my friend? Boy, it sure felt great to be missed.

(By the way, for that Canadian Language Benchmarks Placement Test that I took yesterday, I received 8’s for all categories, namely, speaking, listening, reading and writing. Almost perfect.)

One baby step at a time and then maybe I’m closer to home.