True to myself

I used to write. At least I used to think I could write. But lately I've been swamped with grown up worries and brow wrinkling thoughts. In fact, I realized last Tuesday as the sun was setting at Nuvali in Sta. Rosa, Laguna, that I haven't really been paying attention to the straightforwardness and simplicity of merely breathing.

I've been prone to questioning my place (as I always end up doing) lately. I'm trying to juggle my work at the magazine, trying to put up two separate business entities, and finding myself signing documents to be part of another start-up company. I feel like I'm way out of my league and yet at the end of the day I ask myself, why am I doing all this?

I joined a car magazine last year because it seemed logical. I knew about cars, I (used to) read this particular magazine in addition to all kinds of foreign car magazines and enjoyed it, and it brought me closer to writing. I found out that the last part was farthest from the truth. It only made me more frustrated about writing. Even if I wanted to contribute content to the magazine, I couldn't find time to put anything together with all the other concerns I have in Marketing.

This feels so similar to something. Brings me back to a much troubled era. When I broke up with my long-time boyfriend. Say it isn't so X Magazine!

I used to like working 9 to 5. I used to like knowing where to show up everyday. I used to like leaving the same place at around exactly the same time, even if that meant 10 hours of work straight. Now I feel restless when I'm on my desk for more than 2 hours. I used to think that setting up a business meant that I had money to invest and I just needed to find the next big thing like Shawarma or Zagu or Frozen Yogurt. But after working since 1993, I find myself setting up not 1 but 2 different businesses without even knowing how much paid up capital we're going to declare yet. I've only done the first step, reserving a company name through SEC online. But I think to myself, does it boil down to this? I keep asking God, 17 years of work experience, is this the real world Masters Degree?

Then just weeks ago came this email message, then text messages and then an attempted call through my cell phone. Then finally 2 nights ago, after that sunset epiphany, a preliminary meeting and signing of documents. Was this the answer that aligned everything else? The 3rd start-up company in this abstract painting.

I take being in charge very seriously and so I'm extremely bothered that I have to be away for 3 weeks in May/June. Family calls back home in Toronto. It leads me toward having to give up taking charge of an event in June. If I were to be true to myself, I have to let this one go and admit that I can't be in two places at the same time, at least not when I know my family needs me to be completely there for this visit.

Would it mean giving up the magazine job completely? Or just this event? I have an early meeting tomorrow morning. We may broach on the subject inevitably.

But then I have an early lunch following that early meeting which will touch on a deeper question, Do I really need this job? My friend and former boss and Marketing mentor just tendered her resignation (for the nth time in her career in favor of family). So I don't think it will be a fair playing field tomorrow as I know we will tackle the question -- am I being true to myself?

Maybe I have finally outgrown my matchbox cars and the fascination towards the bigger versions. Maybe I'm beginning to resent the fact that I can't control when I can ride my bike because I'm expected to show up at the office everyday.

Maybe it's time to live the dream. Or to chase it as fast as my legs can take me. Business 1 is my task. Business 2 is his dream. Business 3 is mine.

Maybe the answer to all these questions is much the same as the reason why I can't get rid of the idea of bungee jumping in Macua. I want to do it, because it's waiting to be done. It's not about bucket lists. It's about knowing when the time is right. I just read in an article that all we have is today. Tomorrow is just another today. A month is 30 todays stringed together. I have 24 hours to make at least one choice today. The real regret is not recognizing that we all have that opportunity to make that choice. That one chance each day to choose to be true.